Audition Sides - OLD JOE & MRS PENNYROYAL

OLD JOE, MRS. PENNYROYAL

JOE

Step lively step lively, come into the parlor. Quick, I say!

Now. What have we here Mr. Pennyroyal?  Do I spy silver trinkets?

MR. PENNYROYAL

Aye, Spoons and plenty of them.

JOE

Very nice indeed!  And these?  Candlesticks?

MR. PENNYROYAL

Aye, for holding candles.

JOE

Indeed they are, Mr. Pennyroyal, indeed they are.  Let us see, let us see.  Well, sir, the Silver needs polish, and of course the Candlesticks are without candles.  One pound.

MR. PENNYROYAL

One pound seven.

JOE

Shrewd Mr. Pennyroyal, shrewd but that's your account and I wouldn't give another sixpence, if I was to be boiled for not doing it. Who's next?

MR. PENNYROYAL

One pound four?

JOE

One pound two and not a ha’penny more..

MR. PENNYROYAL

Thank you sir.

JOE

I always give too much. It's a weakness of mine, and that's the way I ruin myself.

DILBER
And now undo my bundle, Joe,

JOE

What do you call this?  Bed Curtains?

DILBER

Aye,Bed Curtains

JOE

You don't mean to say you took them down, rings and all, with him lying there?

MRS DILBER

Yes I do and why not?

JOE

You were born to make your fortune, Mrs Dilber and you'll certainly do it.

MRS DILBER

Don't drop that oil upon the blankets, now.

JOE

His blankets?

MRS DILBER

Whose else's do you think? He isn't likely to take cold without them, I dare say

JOE

I hope he didn't die of any thing catching. Eh?

MRS DILBER

I an't so fond of his company that I'd loiter about him for such things, if he did. Ah. you may look through that shirt till your eyes ache; but you won't find a hole in it, nor a threadbare place. It's the best he had, and a fine one too. They'd have wasted it, if it hadn't been for me."

JOE

How would it be wasted Mrs. Dilber?

MRS. DILBER

Putting it on him to be buried in, to be sure!   (all laugh) Somebody was fool enough to do it, but I took it off again. If calico ain't good enough for such a purpose, it isn't good enough for anything. He couldn’t look uglier than he did in that one.

PENNYROYAL

This is the end of it, you see. He frightened every one away from him when he was alive, to profit us when he was dead!