Audition Sides - OLD JOE & MRS PENNYROYAL

OLD JOE, MRS. PENNYROYAL

JOE

Step lively step lively, come into the parlor. Quick, I say!

Now. What have we here Mr. Pennyroyal?  Do I spy silver trinkets?

MR. PENNYROYAL

Aye, Spoons and plenty of them.

JOE

Very nice indeed!  And these?  Candlesticks?

MR. PENNYROYAL

Aye, for holding candles.

JOE

Indeed they are, Mr. Pennyroyal, indeed they are.  Let us see, let us see.  Well, sir, the Silver needs polish, and of course the Candlesticks are without candles.  One pound.

MR. PENNYROYAL

One pound seven.

JOE

Shrewd Mr. Pennyroyal, shrewd but that's your account and I wouldn't give another sixpence, if I was to be boiled for not doing it. Who's next?

MR. PENNYROYAL

One pound four?

JOE

One pound two and not a ha’penny more..

MR. PENNYROYAL

Thank you sir.

JOE

I always give too much. It's a weakness of mine, and that's the way I ruin myself.

DILBER
And now undo my bundle, Joe,

JOE

What do you call this?  Bed Curtains?

DILBER

Aye,Bed Curtains

JOE

You don't mean to say you took them down, rings and all, with him lying there?

MRS DILBER

Yes I do and why not?

JOE

You were born to make your fortune, Mrs Dilber and you'll certainly do it.

MRS DILBER

Don't drop that oil upon the blankets, now.

JOE

His blankets?

MRS DILBER

Whose else's do you think? He isn't likely to take cold without them, I dare say

JOE

I hope he didn't die of any thing catching. Eh?

MRS DILBER

I an't so fond of his company that I'd loiter about him for such things, if he did. Ah. you may look through that shirt till your eyes ache; but you won't find a hole in it, nor a threadbare place. It's the best he had, and a fine one too. They'd have wasted it, if it hadn't been for me."

JOE

How would it be wasted Mrs. Dilber?

MRS. DILBER

Putting it on him to be buried in, to be sure!   (all laugh) Somebody was fool enough to do it, but I took it off again. If calico ain't good enough for such a purpose, it isn't good enough for anything. He couldn’t look uglier than he did in that one.

PENNYROYAL

This is the end of it, you see. He frightened every one away from him when he was alive, to profit us when he was dead!

Audition sides - FEZZIWIG

FEZZIWIG

FEZZIWIG

(Making the grandest of entrances) Hilli ho!  Clear all this business away, sirs; papers in drawers, books in shelves, make room for dancing.

SCROOGE

Why, it's old Fezziwig! Bless his heart; it's Fezziwig alive again!

A LARGE CHEER FOR THE HOST RINGS

UP FROM THE CROWD. A 20 YEAR OLD

EBENEEZER SCROOGE (HEREAFTER

EBENEEZER AT 20) ENTERS WITH A LEDGER

HE WORKS DILLIGENTLY

FEZZIWIG

(Suddenly stern) Ebeneezer Scrooge!

ALL STOP AT THE SOUND OF THIS

BOOMING VOICE.

FEZZIWIG

(Now downright angry) What, pray tell, do you think you’re up to?

EBENEEZER AT 20

Sir, I know I promised these figures would be entered by close of business but I’ve fallen a little behind.

FEZZIWIG

Young man! 

EBENEEZER AT 20

I’m very sorry sir, I’ll make it up. I’ll work through the Holiday, sir!

FEZZIWIG

(Threatening) Am I not master of this office?

EBENEEZER AT 20

You are sir.

FEZZIWIG

Do I not hold your livelihood in my hands?

EBENEEZER AT 20

You do, sir.

FEZZIWIG

Then replace that ledger with a cup of punch post haste, sir! There can be no dancing with accounting still in the air.

FEZZIWIG AND ALL THE OTHERS

LAUGH AT THIS JOKE PLAYED UPON

POOR SCROOGE)

FEZZIWIG

(To the Carolers who have assembled as musicians) The Roger De Coverley if you please.  No more work Ebeneezer,  it’s Christmas my boy.  Christmas!

THE DANCERS TAKE THEIR PLACE

FEZZIWIG

And now where is my partner, is she hiding from me?

MRS. FEZZIWIG SNEAKS UP BEHIND HIM

MRS. FEZZIWIG

Well sir, for want of a better partner, I’ll allow you the pleasure.

FEZZIWIG

The voice is familiar.  The giggle is not entirely unknown.

MRS. FEZZIWIG GRABS A HANDFUL

OF MR. FEZZIWIG’S POSTERIOR.

FEZZIWIG

To be sure!  These hands I’ve felt before!  Strike up band!  Take your places everyone! But who is there to dance with my darling daughter Belle?

MRS. FEZZIWIG

I spy a very eligible young man sir.

SHE GOES TO HIM AND PULLS

HIM TO THE CIRCLE.  HE PROTESTS…

MRS. FEZZIWIG

Come sir…  Your partner awaits.

Audition Sides - GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

SCROOGE

Where do you take me, Spirit?

CHRISTMAS PAST

Ask not ‘Where’ Ebeneezer but ‘when’.  Tonight we travel fifty years in your past.  Look around you. You should recognize someone soon.

SCROOGE

Where? 

CHRISTMAS PAST

Where indeed Ebeneezer, where indeed?  Look closer…look closer

SCROOGE

The face is familiar, but the surroundings are a mystery.  Is this the child of an acquaintance Spirit?

CHRISTMAS PAST

Look closer…

SCROOGE

Spirit.

CHRISTMAS PAST

Who do you see, Ebeneezer?

SCROOGE

It is I!  Spirit of the past, you have shown me…myself.

CHRISTMAS PAST

Why are you alone?

SCROOGE

The others have left for home to celebrate Christmas with their families.

CHRISTMAS PAST

Had you no family?

SCROOGE

I did, of course I did!

CHRISTMAS PAST

And why are you alone?

SCROOGE

My father was a man not given to (he searches for the word) celebration.

CHRISTMAS PAST

He required that you stay at school and continue to study?

SCROOGE

Yes

CHRISTMAS PAST

Even though all the other children were allowed to return home?

SCROOGE

Yes.  All of them. Even my…

CHRISTMAS PAST

Go on Ebeneezer…

SCROOGE

Poor boy! Poor, poor boy! I do not wish to relive this Spirit…

CHRISTMAS PAST

You must

SCROOGE

I cannot…

CHRISTMAS PAST

Then I will help you…

CHRISTMAS PAST

Certainly that cannot be a tear I see on your face Ebeneezer?

SCROOGE

It is a pimple!

CHRISTMAS PAST

No, a tear I think

SCROOGE

What could it be else, to be reminded of such a kindness by one whom I’ll never see again!?

CHRISTMAS PAST

Ah Fan!  Always a delicate creature, whom even a breath might have withered. But she had a large heart!

SCROOGE

So she had.

CHRISTMAS PAST

She died a woman, and had, as I think, children?

SCROOGE

One child

CHRISTMAS PAST

Your nephew Fred! He reminds you of her?

SCROOGE

In his merry disposition, in his kind manner I see every bit my dear Sister Fan.

CHRISTMAS PAST

Come Ebeneezer we must go.

SCROOGE

Please spirit! Please let me see my sister just a moment longer.

CHRISTMAS PAST

But there is more to see sir, much more…Another Christmas!

Audition Sides - FRED

FRED (SCROOGE’S NEPHEW)

FRED

You didn’t notice me earlier on the street Uncle?

SCROOGE

I noticed you.  I was escaping.

FRED

But I wanted to wish you a merry Christmas.

SCROOGE

Bah Humbug!

FRED

Christmas a humbug Uncle?

SCROOGE

Yes, a humbug.  What right have you to be merry, you’re poor enough?

FRED

What right have you to be dismal, you’re rich enough?

SCROOGE

Bah.  Humbug.

FRED

Don’t be cross, uncle.

SCROOGE

Don’t be cross? What else can I be when I live in a world of fools such as this?  One day of the year people turn into grinning idiots full of good intentions and merriment.  If I had my way, every fool who goes about with Merry Christmas would be boiled to death in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.

FRED

Uncle!

SCROOGE

Nephew, keep Christmas your way and let me keep it in mine.

FRED

Keep it?  But that’s just it.  You don’t keep it.

SCROOGE

Let me leave it alone then.  What is it about this day that turns grown men into children?  Much good it has ever done you. Much good it will ever do you.

FRED

Uncle, there are many things from which I have derived good that have brought me no profit, Christmas among the rest.  But there is something special about this time of year, apart from it being the most sacred of days…it is uncle, a kind time, a charitable, forgiving time when we view one another not as strangers bound on disparate journeys, but as fellow travelers to the grave.  And though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe it has done me good, and will continue to do me good, and I say “God bless it.”